The Importance of Owning a Cell Phone

December 4, 2002

Technology has supplied the human race with a plethora of useless devices. It has given us the escalator, a device that exists for those of us who are too lazy to carry our own weight up a flight of stairs. Another product of science is the nuclear bomb. It efficiently kills a large number of people, but leaves an uninhabitable radioactive wasteland in its wake. Speaking of radiation, we must thank technology for the glow-in-the-dark condom. Now that sex has finally come out of the dark, we are free to illuminate our libidos like never before. These are only a pittance of the waste that has been created, but lo, there is light at the end of the tunnel which technology has mercilessly walled around us. This light calls us from the dark as a necessity of continued human existence. One invention, which is diverse in its applications, stands alone to guide us into the future. This marvelous device, known as the cellular telephone, is the single product that every one of us needs to own.

The cell(ular) phone has the ability to turn menial tasks into stimulating experiences. Take, for instance, Sally and her monotonous drive to work. Everyday, she has to drive the same road, see the same scenery, and listen to the same radio personality babbling inane trivia. Now that she has a cell phone, she can use this wasted time constructively. On the way to work, she calls her secretary for an update on the day’s schedule; Sally is organizing her time, picturing the day ahead. Then, she calls her spouse for a reminder of the errands she should complete during the drive home.

Whether Sally has to confirm an appointment, reserve theater tickets, or talk to her lover just a little longer, the cell phone has effectively turned her mind from the boring drive, and focused her attention elsewhere. Some would argue that this would cause accidents, but we all know that accidents happen, regardless of how well we pay attention. If Sally should cause an accident by missing a stop sign or running down a child in a school zone, at least she has her cell phone handy. It enables her to contact the police, an ambulance, and/or her lawyer (for the impending manslaughter charge) immediately; this quick response might even save the child’s life. We cannot ignore the convenience of the cell phone.

Fred also appreciates the convenience of the cellular phone. On occasion, Fred runs into an acquaintance while out and about. If he spots the person in time, he pulls out his cell phone and quickly places a call; Fred doesn’t have to stop to chat, or even acknowledge him or her. If some undesirable should get the drop on him and start a conversation, Fred simply says, “Excuse me, but I have an important call to make.” The cell phone saves the day again.

One evening, Fred has an engagement with a potential mate at a romantic restaurant. Sitting together in the cozy, quiet atmosphere, Fred and his date have finished a fine dinner and are thinking about ordering some dessert. Fred’s phone rings, attracting the attention of nearby patrons. As the caller is an important client, Fred talks loudly enough so that the people around understand what a big shot he is. His date’s eyes glaze over with admiration as the call continues for several minutes. When the deal is done, Fred feels quite confident that he has made an impression on everyone nearby. His date is so impressed that she had the waiter call her a taxi and has left without dessert. As he pays the bill and leaves, the other patrons settle back into the once again cozy ambience. We cannot judge Fred’s behavior as anti-social; it is simply, in the words of The King, Elvis, “T.C.B., baby (taking care of business).” Obviously, Fred’s date and acquaintances feel inferior to his amplified importance. They are unable to confront their insecurities about not owning a cellular phone.

No company is so unethical as to manufacture a product that harms the user. The blame for products that seem to harm us (i.e.: Thalidomide and birth defects, tobacco and cancer, etc.) is not to be placed on the innocent manufacturers. It is solely our fault; as consumers we are responsible not to misuse or abuse the products offered.

We’ve all heard the rumors that cell phones cause brain tumors; this is hearsay. The makers of cell phones have conducted studies, and their research shows no ill side effects. In fact, if everyone had a cell phone, the low-level radiation emitted might actually benefit us. Radiation is used in chemotherapy; therefore, being constantly surrounded by similar electromagnetic frequencies could be the cure for cancer. These stray microwaves may even irradiate airborne viruses and bacteria. Cell phone use on a global scale could cure the common cold, and many other ailments. The potential to have a disease free planet is just a “Send” away.

Cellular phones are a great benefit to mankind, and a necessity that we cannot afford to do without. All of us should purchase one; after all, we don’t want the line on our future to be disconnected.