The Net Nerds Profiles

Ahh: the joy of goofing off. Recently I described an acquaintance who is unemployed and plays PS2 all day as a “slacker.” “Not so,” a friend reminded me, “slackers are people who actually have jobs but go to work and do nothing all day.” So true, so true. So this week I dedicate my column to all the slackers out there. Hang your apathetic flag proudly and get ready for hardcore inactivity!

The holiday season is upon us. Wrapping presents and sending out cards sounds a lot like work. Don’t worry, your Mom will still love you if you wrap up a can of tomato soup at the last minute rather than shop for her (golden excuse #1: “The soup represents all the love you put into preparing our favorite foods”). Instead of all that rushing around this December turn on the computer and try out some of these games and other time wasters (golden excuse #2: “The commercialization of religious holidays has gone to far, so I decided to celebrate the holiday season with internal reflection and thought rather than contribute to a consumerist Christmas.”). So if you don’t feel like baking, believe the presents can wrap themselves, and know that 12 page essay on Kohlberg’s stages of moral development will wait, you need:

EIB: Elves in Black http://www.christmas.com/pe/897
Cute game, obviously a satire of Men in Black. Sign up as an agent and go on missions such as the EIB Training/Holiday Advent Calendar Game that has a new Christmas game each day. Cute animation, cute ideas, and cute elves. Rating: ***/5 A variety of games to choose from, but you have to sign up with your e-mail address (potential SPAM alert!).

Santa Balls http://www.christmas-stories.com/christmas-games.php
Eliminate Christmas balls by clicking on rows of 3 or more of the same color. Check out Santa’s chipmunk voice. He sounds like I always thought he would. Rating: **/5 Although slightly addictive, nothing to write home about.

Christmas Trivia Quiz http://www.christmas-stories.com/christmas-games.php
From the same website as Santa Balls, Trivia Quiz is — you guessed it — a trivia game! Interesting facts and challenging enough to make you think. Rating ****/5 It’s stimulating enough if you’re a trivia nut like me, and short enough if you have a limited attention span (not unlike myself). Check out other holiday games on the same website.

Star Trek Night Before Christmas http://dmrtc.net/~thompsde/xmas.html
Not a game, but I thought I sneak it in for all those geeky Trekkies and my mom. If you like this I’m sure you’ll enjoy these Star Trek Christmas carols:http://www.sonic.net/~roelofs/humor/trekmas.html.

Santa’s Grotto http://www.xmastime.co.uk/funstuff/santascafe.htm
Santa Claus is broke and he needs to sell mince meat pies or turkey sandwiches to raise money. Check the weather forecast to decide what will sell. Interesting game for all those budding entrepreneurs out there. After playing this game I have abandoned my dream of running a restaurant. Rating ***/5 Easy to figure out and a lesson in marketing (albeit a rudimentary lesson). *Hint: all the prices are in Pounds and Pence so hard to figure out if you don’t know UK currency.

Naughty or Nice Rating http://www.claus.com/naughtyornice/nn_hmpg2.shtml
Again, not really a game but a fabulous time waster. Is it just me, or is there something creepy about a fat man who only leaves the house once a year but he knows when you are sleeping, knows when you’re awake, and puts your name on a list? Just a thought. Type in your first and last name and get an instant rating on your annual behavior. Rating *****/5 No thought involved and it takes up other’s valuable time (if you’re at work). A definite 5 out of 5!

Santa Goes Butt Boarding http://www.ezone.com/games/santabutt3d/
Hey it’s Christmas and what could be funnier than Santa’s ass? Santa’s fallen on a mountain and is sliding down on his behind. Help save the presents that are sliding with him. Rating ***/5 Very long loading time (at least on my computer), but you have the option of playing a “loading game” while you wait.

Silent but Deadly Night http://www.jibjab.com/cartoons/nasty/ns%5Fmovie06.htm
More funnier than Santa’s bottom? How about farting elves? Not really a game, but you can select different Christmas carols for the elves to “play”. Gotta love that bathroom humor. Rating ***/5 A few giggles at first but gets old fast.

Mr. T vs. Santa http://www.geocities.com/Area51/Rampart/6331/santa.html
An online story book. Santa steals Mr. T’s milk and pays dearly. Rating **/5 Starts out funny but just gets stupid. Try Santa and the Jolly Green Wrapper instead (*contains adult themes and some violence- This cartoon is racy and not for everyone) http://www.joecartoon.com/pages/santayodaddy/

Rebel Noel in The Wrath of Santa http://www.campchaos.com/timekillers/circusx/rebel%5Fnoel.html
Santa’s gone postal! Assume the identity of Noel, a mouthy little elf who’s just ticked off Santa. Try to get away from the fat man in red before he clobbers you with a sledgehammer. Rating: ****/5 Simple game, fun and you get to see a psycho Santa. What more can you ask for?

There you have it, games for everyone. Whether you celebrate Christmas or not, these games and various time wasters are fun for all. So Merry Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa Bodhi Day, Zarathosht Diso, Winter Solstice, Gantan-sai, Guru Gobindh Singh Sahib birthday, Vasant Panchami, and a Happy New Year!

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