According to surprising findings coming out of the University of North Dakota, fathers now represent something like fifty percent of all parents (note to self: verify facts before submitting). With this in mind, I humbly suggest that this Father’s Day, June 20th, should be celebrated by paying tribute to dear old Dad with something more imaginative than another “World’s Best BBQ Chef” apron, or pair of tube socks. The following is a list of suggestions for more intriguing ways to salute your husband (or complementary-parental-unit) this Sunday.
1. Give him a few hours of relaxation time all to himself. Assign him some enjoyable “busy work”, like scraping the mold off the shower curtain or re-enamelling the bathtub, while you take the kids for a day of golfing or bowling, followed by dinner at your favourite steak house.
2. If it’s a rainy day, why not retrieve his old lava lamp, bubble-top turntable, and Culture Club records from the attic. Gather family and friends together, play “Do You Really Want to Hurt Me” backwards, and see who can pick out the most satanic messages.
3. Help him re-live old, long-forgotten dreams by packing him off to a weekend getaway at a CFL training camp, or by presenting him with a voucher for a full massage from Andre at the Better Latent Than Never spa in South Beach, FLA.
4. Invite a few of his old “drinking buddies” over for a night of mahjong and pilates.
5. Present him with a gift related to one of his hobbies or interests. If he’s a sports fan, for example, how about a framed replica of his highest-ever golf score, or a 8′ x 5′ poster of the winning goal in game seven of this year’s Stanley Cup final? They’ll bring back cherished memories for years to come.
6. Really blow him away by re-financing the home and signing him up for $50,000 worth of rhumba lessons.
7. Present him with a voucher for an Extreme Sports Experience, such as river-rafting, rock climbing, or that thing where they attach cinder blocks to hoops inserted through the nipples.
8. How about a “tried and true” backyard barbecue? To add a twist, though, avoid the tired cliché of hubby cranking out the burgers and ribs. Have him whip up something a little bit more special, like “pheasant under glass” or “pumpkin seed and celery root patties”. He’ll love the challenge!
9. Organize a Family Movie Night. Make a big bowl of popcorn and settle down for an enjoyable evening of watching an old classic, such as Love Story, or The Fins and the Fury (Director’s Cut), Ingmar Lidstrom’s provocative seven and a half hour documentary about fiscal irregularities in the Norwegian herring industry.
10. Pack the kids off to Aunt Eunice’s for the night, and share a romantic evening with your partner. Think strobe lights and saran wrap. A variation on this would be to put some of the old passion back into your relationship by reenacting the events of your first “intimate liaison”– whether that be an evening at a cabin in the woods, a session of “afternoon delight” at a five star hotel, or a quick “knee-trembler” against the backdoor of the Lethbridge Schitzelhaus and Beer Gardens.
However you choose to spend Father’s day this year, please just remember to have fun, relax and, above all, make sure he wears protective equipment when engaging in activities seven, eight and ten.