Excerpt From an Address Entitled “Wake Up and Smell the Vodka, Soviet Canuckistan”

Presented to the Canadian Independent Chamber of Industry and Commerce by...

Excerpt From an Address Entitled “Wake Up and Smell the Vodka, Soviet Canuckistan”

Before we start critcizing so-called oppressive regimes in other parts of the world, I think we in democratic Canada should take a good hard look at some of the outdated and tyrannical laws with which we put the fascist boots to our own citizenry. I’m thinking specifically of those medieval and dogmatic statutes that stifle and suppress the creativity of the entrepreneurial spirit.

Were you aware, for instance, that each and every new medicine must be tested and approved before entering the market? Or that false advertising is actually considered to be an indictable offense under the Criminal Code of Canada? Were you aware that our provincial labour laws stipulate a minimum hourly wage that is applicable to all employees? In British Columbia, for instance, the general minimum wage is eight dollars per hour! As I was telling my friends last night over a bucket of Beluga caviar, it makes you wonder whether it’s even worth doing business in this country. Hell, by the time I pay for legal defenses, hush money, high class hookers, exorbitant taxes on waterfront property, processing fees on overseas bank accounts, fuel for a yacht and jet, etc., it’s a bloody good thing that I don’t generate enough income to have to pay personal or corporate income tax [murmurs of agreement from audience].

Still, every day I see the Betty Bleedinghearts and Freddy Freeloaders out there calling for more and more of the hard-earned dollars that rightly belong in the pockets of our captains of industry to be squandered on such piffle as health care and education. Well, let me say this to those pinko no-goodniks out there – and I think I speak for my good friends Ralph Klein and Gordon Campbell, as well as all of you in attendance tonight – being sick is a privilege, not a right. It’s a privilege you earn by being born into an enormously wealthy family, or by sucking up and cringing within a demoralizing corporate hierarchy to others who were so privileged. And as for education, well newsflash, you can have fourteen PhDs in the field I’m hiring in, but I’m still going to give the job to my idiot son or the woman with the biggest breasts [general applause]. Once the new Bush/Blair/Martin global economy takes full hold, the only book-larnin’ and cipherin’ most of you galoots will need is the ability to scrawl the words “homeless” and “spare some change” on a crude cardboard sign [clamorous applause].

Thank you, thank you for that. Who knew that the book Everything I Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten would be so prophetic, eh? [raucous laughter].

But in all seriousness, my friends, don’t despair. Never despair. Shut out the annoying voices of the aggressive oppressed. A better, more corporate-friendly world with less taxes and more security is already on its way. Amen.

Fulghum, R. (1988). All I really need to know I learned in kindergarten: uncommon thoughts on common things. 1st ed. New York: Villard Books.