As me dear old Ma used to say, after 15 or 16 “wee drams,” you can never go wrong by following your dreams. Unless, of course, your dreams involve using Bassett hounds as hand warmers, or disemboweling social workers, in which case, you should probably follow your doctor’s medication plan instead of your dreams. But whatever.
In keeping with my Ma’s advice I have decided to pay heed to a dream that I have had for several days now. My dream is to open up my own academy of spiritual healing and enlightenment. The idea came to me in a sudden flash of inspiration as I was chatting with some of my creditors last week. There I was preparing to make a dash for the fire exit when a very shivery and mystical feeling came over me. I began to hear a great and sonorous voice inside my head, sounding something like that singer from The Crash Test Dummies. “Busby,” it said, “too long have you lived in the world of materialism and too long have you pursued the shallow pleasures of the flesh. From now on, you must dedicate yourself to raising the level of your fellow man’s consciousness” :yada, yada… you get the picture.
Well, let me tell you, there’s something just a little bit unnerving about being a visionary, one who has tapped into the mystical realm that lies in the great void beyond our own thinly veiled and tawdry perception of reality. Let’s face it, the world doesn’t exactly respond very well to oracles and visionaries. As I know only too well, we tend to ignore them, murder them, or attempt to prosecute them on some ludicrously trumped-up set of fraud charges.
Still, one does not change the world without great personal courage. I felt this after receiving a summons from the Beyond that I must do everything I can to steer the poor schmucks out there (who have enough available credit) toward enlightenment. That is why next Friday will see the opening of the Busby Leclair Wellness Spa and Academy of Spiritual Enlightenment, with a motto: Your consciousness and convenience are our only concerns.
By the end of my twelve-day seminar (with early bird specials every four days starting as low as $800) my students (or Grasshoppers as I like to call them) will be adept at a variety of valuable spiritual techniques. They will, for instance, be able to meditate with a depth and intensity that would send a Zen monk into a rage of pissed-off envy. They will be able to adjust their chakras in public without any embarrassment, and be able to pick up hotties just by locating their souls and then leering into them. For a small additional fee, I will personally be conducting all manner of séances and channeling sessions — things like that. To top it all off, at the end of the course there will be a communal feast of sweet n’ sour meatballs and Tater Tots, followed by complimentary limbo dancing lessons.
Due to some bureaucratic licensing red tape, I am unfortunately not able to provide you prospective students with a specific location and phone number just yet. However, all interested spiritual seekers should gather up their available cash and credit cards, and be at the phone booth at 16th and Main in Vancouver at seven o’clock next Friday evening. One of our dedicated administrative assistants will be in touch.