The Birth of a New Cultural Event

Every once in awhile amidst the daily jumble of boring and depressing news stories, there is an article that restores your faith in humanity, a feel good piece that leaves you with a smile on your face and a bounce in your step. Latest case in point, I learned through the radio news this morning that some intrepid businessman in Prince George, British Columbia, is organizing an event called Battle of the Hockey Enforcers. The concept of this cultural extravaganza is to put a dozen pro or semi-pro hockey tough guys on the ice, two at a time and in full uniform but without sticks, and have them duke it out for sixty seconds in front a panel of judges (CBC, June 16, 2005). Is that brilliant, or what? The meat and potatoes of the game! What every hockey fan really goes to the games to see without the irritating intrusion of all that skating and passing stuff. Just when you thought Western society was dumbing down!

As is so often the case in Soviet Canuckistan though, the naysayers and panty-waists nearly caused the event to be cancelled. Apparently some bleeding heart metrosexuals on the Prince George city council thought the event would be detrimental to the city’s reputation (CBC, June 21, 2005). Can you imagine? Fortunately, it seems as though more red-blooded heads have prevailed. It looks like the event will proceed.

This got my own entrepreneurial spirit fired up. Already this morning I’ve been in contact with some business associates of mine. We’ve begun to draw up plans for some similarly themed and spirited events to be organized across Canada and even internationally in the months and years to come. The events will come under the cultural umbrella of my soon-to-be incorporated Busby Leclair’s Xtreme Loogan Sporting Events.

The first of these happenings will be on a fairly small scale, taking place in the back alley behind my home. It’ll be called The Binner’s Brouhaha and will involve two homeless people bashing each other with bent ski poles. The last person standing will be entitled to return all of the empty Luckyâ?¢ beer cans from the event’s concession sales. Due to relatively low overhead for this event, I’ll be able to keep the ticket prices down, making it affordable for the whole family to attend.

If this is half the success that I envision it to be, the next event on the tour will be the Mudville Massacre. This event will feature ex-Triple A baseball players being sent to the plate in order to be mowed down by pitchers throwing a steady stream of inside fastballs. The real fun will start when the batters charge the mound. Unlike hoity-toity pro ball, the batters will be encouraged to bring their own bats with them.

The grandest vision I have, though, is of the Soccer Hooligans Lollapalooza. Picture thousands of imbecilic football thugs amped up on crystal meth and Boddington’s Pale Ale swarming and rioting throughout Europe’s most ancient and picturesque cities. They will be unencumbered from the unnecessary inconvenience of an actual soccer game to divert their hooliganism. Lock up the wife and kids — there’s a party coming to town!

CBC News (2005, June 16). B.C. city hosting hockey ‘goon’ show. Canadian Broadcasting Center (CBC) News. Retrieved July 4, 2005, from
CBC News (2005, June 21). On-ice slugfest triggers backlash. Canadian Broadcasting Center (CBC) News. Retrieved July 4, 2005, from
Hockey Enforcers [web site]. Retrieved July 4, 2005, from