Life During Wartime: How to Survive in Politically Dangerous Times

Don’t associate with undesirables. Stay away from the ugly and the weak.

Don’t rock the boat if you can help it. Stay on the good side of those who are in positions of power. Be helpful and cooperative. Keep your opinions to yourself.

Believe whatever you are told, and try to buy what everyone else is buying.

Try to lose any unusual character quirks or eccentricities that you may have. Be on the lookout for the danger signs of creative thinking or other attention-drawing characteristics in your children. Consult your family doctor for possible pharmaceutical options.

Buy a vehicle large enough and heavy enough to easily drive over anybody who may try to stand in your way.

Always marry for money.

Lower your expectations. Numb any personal pain. Be the best that you can be.

Make a list of whom the powerful Hollywood stars are sleeping with. Memorize the list.

Teach your children to be very afraid of strangers.

Research all of the personal security options that are available to you.

Surreptitiously listen in on conversations. Report any suspicious goings-on that you notice around you, especially if the activities involve dangerous-looking Middle-Eastern types of people.

Read magazine articles and watch television shows that help you feel good about yourself and the great democracy that we live in.

It’s perfectly normal to vomit, but resist the urge until you’re behind closed doors.

Stay indoors as much as possible.

Keep all of your doors locked and your car windows rolled up at all times.

Don’t cry or scream, and for God’s sake don’t laugh when it’s not appropriate.

Wash everything repeatedly.

Be ready to change your opinion quickly.

Be flexible in your understanding of whom we are at war with. Be aware that this can change on a moment’s notice.

Don’t let others see that you are afraid.

Be proud to live in a free country, but remember that safety is always better than freedom.

Be prepared to sacrifice your life and the lives of your children, if so instructed.

Make sure you always have a loaded gun or a can of mace within reach.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

Shoot first and ask questions later.

Above all, no matter how much you may worry, always put on a happy face. Just the other day, they came looking for dark-skinned people in my neighbourhood. But I wasn’t alarmed, because I’m not a dark-skinned person…

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