Safety First: A News Release from…

Safety First: A News Release From Lionel T. Undershaft, III, President of the Canadian Independent Chamber of Commerce and Industry (a Wholly Owned Subsidiary of Crunk Genetics and Pharmaceuticals, Inc.)

As some of our politicians, civic leaders and law enforcement officials have recently pointed out, Canada as a nation is woefully unprepared for a terrorist attack. As the recent London transit bombings clearly demonstrate, this lack of foresight can lead to devastating results. Throughout this great country of ours, there are maniacs at work in basements and homeless shelters, preparing explosive devices with the intention of undermining our civilization. They are everywhere, never-sleeping, always watching, forever plotting, waiting for their chance to murder us when we least expect it.

And yet we, in our great complacency, still allow these undesirables to wander about, totally unfettered and unmonitored. Everyday, millions of suspicious people across Canada go about their business, performing who-knows-what sorts of sordid and threatening activities without any supervision at all. It may surprise you to learn that almost no homes in this country, and far too few workplaces, have adequate video and audio monitoring equipment in place. Do you have any idea what your dicey-looking neighbour is up to behind the walls of his monster home? Shockingly, neither do we in the business/military/law enforcement community — yet!

Fortunately, all this is about to change. As president of the Canadian Independent Chamber of Industry and Commerce, I am pleased to announce a public-private partnership initiative that will vastly increase the personal security of our citizens through the widespread installation of video monitors in almost every conceivable space. We will start, of course, by installing the cameras in obvious spots: transit stations, public parks, city squares, shopping malls, churches, public washrooms, voting booths, confessionals, etc. These cameras, utilizing cutting-edge nanotechnology, will be almost invisible to the naked eye, so as to be as unobtrusive and unthreatening as possible. We will then be able to gather valuable security and law-enforcement information, permanently recording any deviant-looking behaviour.

Following very quickly on the heels of this initial phase, we will begin installing these devices in so-called private homes, beginning with the homes of… Well, you know whom we’re talking about.

The information being provided by these monitors will then be collated and merged with other vital sources of information, such as medical histories, itemized lists of household products consumed, library materials borrowed, and religious affiliations, in order to produce accurate client profiles for each of our customers/citizens. We will quickly sort out who is posing a threat to our society due to their extremist alliances, criminal activities, and erratic shopping patterns. We will react with extreme prejudice.

I know that there will be some dangerously deluded and paranoid individuals out there who see this as an encroachment upon their civil liberties. It is these people we must eliminate first. If there is a silver lining in the war against terrorism that we are now fighting, it is the fact that the average person is now able to see how delusional this sort of extremist political thinking is.

Living as we do in a state of perpetual fear, we have all come to understand that we must choose between safety and freedom — there is no middle ground anymore. I am confident, therefore, that this bold, proactive step — initiated by the business community and funded by the taxpayer will be greeted with openhearted acceptance all around.