If Voice Mail Were Honest

Thank you for calling the offices of MegaLog Corporation Canadian Division, located in West Virginia. Both of our part-time telephone operators for the entire Western hemisphere are currently frustrating and bewildering other customers with our incomprehensible corporate policies. As we are an enormous global financial entity — more powerful than either church or state — your call is, let’s face it, more or less inconsequential to us. Unless, of course, you are a corrupt government official (in which case, please press “one”).

If this is not the case, you can expect to be kept on hold for a mind boggling length of time before actually speaking to a living human being. Throughout this excruciating wait, you will be forced to listen to muzak versions of songs by Garth Brooks and Maroon 5, interspersed with innumerable repetitions of an advertisement extolling the superior service standards, etc., that you can expect to receive from MegaLog Corp (One of our customers has compared the sheer overall unpleasantness of this experience to what it must feel like to have a cheese grater applied to one’s scrotal area.).

When you do finally manage to reach one of our surly, underpaid and completely untrained “customer service technicians,” you will be immediately transferred. You will, all told, be required to explain your question/concern/comment/complaint to a minimum of six obviously bored and uninterested employees in a variety of departments unrelated to your predicament, including corporate catering, janitorial services, and our Australian Outback office. Finally, we will “accidentally” disconnect you whilst transferring you one more time, ostensibly to a supervisor who would supposedly have been able to make all of your dreams come true. Please feel free to call us back again after this happens, during our regular office hours, which are from 11:00 am to 12:30 pm Greenwich Mean Time.

As an alternative, you may take a shot at accessing our website at www.megalogconfound.com. In the unlikely event that the site is not down for maintenance, you will find yourself becoming increasingly frustrated and disoriented whilst futilely attempting to navigate our labyrinthine and byzantine corporate double speak. We think it would be quite amusing at this time if you accessed our FAQ menu. Following this exercise in frustration, during which we will have automatically registered your e-mail address, you may expect to be bombarded by a ceaseless barrage of spam for approximately the next 72 months.

Thank you, and please call again.