Straight From the Heart

Recently, I placed a sizeable wager with Wayne Gretzky against the Men’s hockey team in Turin. One thing that my recent financial good fortune taught me is that in this crazy, mixed-up world in which we live, our priorities can sometimes become quite screwed-up. Caught-up like mindless automatons in the race for shallow material rewards, there is a tendency for us, I think, to overlook the fact that it is really the simple things (e.g., the feel of sunlight on your face, the smell of night-blooming jasmine in the springtime, doing a line of high-end Peruvian blow through a rolled-up hundred dollar bill out of the ass-crack of a spokes-model) that give life its meaning and integrity. I think a good thing for each and every one of us to do would be to take a good long look at ourselves in the mirror and ask ourselves a few basic questions. Do you truly need to own a wall-mounted plasma television set? Does it make you any happier to drive a Lexus SUV? Must you gorge yourself on prime rib and Alaska king crab four or five times a week? In my case, of course, the answers are I do, it does, and I must, respectively. But, of course, there is no one simple answer to this. It’s all-relative or whatever.

Clearly, the point I am trying to make is that my wife should stop asking so many questions and sign that damn retroactive pre-nuptial agreement that my lawyers have drawn-up. Granted, like the majority of legal documents, most of it is written in a combination of Middle English and Latin. That does not mean that there is anything to hide. Nor does it mean that we should start playing Little Miss Got to Have All the Answers every time the subject comes up.

Personally, I blame the news media for the level of cynicism and mistrust that pervades every level of our society. Day and night, we are bombarded with reports of hijinks and corruption in politics, business, religion, you name it. If it weren’t for the fact that I like the word hijinks so much, this would be even more aggravating. Far better all this nastiness should be covered up, say I. Why accentuate the negative? Better to concentrate on uplifting public interest items, such as the many success stories coming out of my own Busby’s Discount Hair Replacement and Penis Enlargement Clinic. And surely, the listening and reading public would rather hear that Athabasca University students are entitled to a three per cent discount on all orders for pre-owned marital aids placed by credit card through my website before March 31st, than have to worry their heads over the latest scandal involving U.S. military brutality. Did I mention that that’s three per cent off of my already deeply discounted prices?

In summary, it is only through opening our hearts to our fellow brothers and sisters, as well as all the furred and feathered creatures that surround us, that we can truly make a difference in this crazy old world of ours. As we enter into the Chinese Age of Aquarius, then, each of us should make an extra special effort to learn about and understand other cultures, and to embrace the spiritus mundi in all its forms. Like Alanis Morrissette, we should contemplate the ironies of life. We should fling open the doors of our homes, unbatten the hatches of our hearts, throw wide the transoms of our souls, lubricate the orifices of our…well, you get the point. Above all, we should sign whatever documents come our way without it being made into such a federal case. Peace out.