Etiquette for the Healthy

As my loyal readers know, it has been some time since I’ve penned anything for this worthy magazine. I do wish to apologize for the agonizing wait that you have no doubt anxiously, but stoically, endured.

In fact, it has taken me some time to recover from a rather nasty trauma that I experienced several months ago. I was enjoying a late morning umbrella drink on my front lawn when I saw my globular neighbour, Cedric Idris Idris Jones, puffing past in what appeared to be a pair of under-sized jogging shorts. I assume, by the vast quantity of perspiration being thrown aloft and the locomotive-loud death rattle emanating from his throat, that he was engaged in some sort of athletic activity that might (for lack of more accurate terminology) be described as running. Really, though, the actual sight of this phenomenon is something that beggars the imagination, and I don’t mind telling you the whole thing threw me into a sort of post-traumatic-stress-syndrome-induced depression, wherein I was forced on a daily basis to medicate myself somewhat beyond the norm, if you get my drift.

At this point, I have more or less put the revolting episode behind me, and am ready to carry on with my life. And now that I’m writing again, although I have no wish to elaborate any further on the dreadful aforementioned event, I would like to offer some Dutch Uncle advice pertaining to the whole phenomenon of exercise and wellness.

Firstly — and this cannot be stressed strongly enough — always! always! always! check yourself out in the mirror before leaving the privacy of your own home to ensure that the sight of you will not shock or offend any innocent bystander who may be trying to enjoy a pina colada or two.

Secondly, perhaps it would be wise to more closely monitor one’s intake of foods and beverages prior to things becoming so completely out-of-control that such drastic measures as jogging are ultimately required. This is really not rocket-science; a little moderation is all that is needed. The key, though, is to be realistic about it. Rather than trying to eradicate all so-called unhealthy lifestyle choices at once, it may be wise to retain two or three little vices or personal pleasures, just to reward yourself. I, for instance, although being somewhat of an ascetic in many ways, still allow myself to indulge in such simple pleasures as intoxicating substances, foods that are salty and/or sweet, and all forms of temptation.

Finally, and perhaps above all else, it should be remembered that healthy people are, as a general rule of thumb, irritating. I’m sorry, but somebody had to tell you.

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