This year marks the 80th birthday of Queen Elizabeth II – and I say this year because the day itself is up for debate. The English Queen, like so many others, suffers a cool birthday on the 21st of April; one she is not content with. Instead of celebrating on the real anniversary of her birth, this Royal has her party on June 17th. And why not? A cook-off was held to help brighten up the occasion but failed to put a convincing smile on the Royal lady’s face.

In what must have been a moment of madness on her part, the Queen decided it would be a fun idea to hold a competition for the Royal banquet. Done as yet another classy reality TV show, chefs from each region of Britain battled against one another to produce the best four-course menu as decided by a panel of ‘leading’ food critics.

The chefs have been battling since Elizabeth’s real birthday, trying to create fantastic dishes that use local ingredients and embody local traditions from Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales, and several English regions. With the best chefs selected, it was up to television viewers to decide the fate of the Queen’s menu.

Now, for a moment, it seemed as if the old girl had gotten into the spirit of the age. Not that I particularly condone reality TV and all it stands for, but the Royal family is just so shut off from actual reality that I almost feel like even an appreciation of pop culture in its lowest form could pass for a connection with ‘common man’. But I was wrong. This gimmick could only have been set up by Her Majesty, like I’ve said, in a moment of lunacy. More likely is was a PR stunt, because the Queen could not have been less enthusiastic about the whole event, aired live on British TV. She stood placidly throughout the salutes, parades, exhibitions and finally made a short and dry speech before tucking into her dinner, so painstakingly created by four chefs representing each denomination of the United Kingdom. She smiled her usual demure smile whenever the crowd was expecting her too, but for the most part looked as if she wished the day would end.

Here is where I get particularly angry. This woman is soaking up taxpayer’s hard earned money at an astounding rate, doing virtually nothing for it, and she doesn’t even know enough to be thrilled about it. How could she? Luxury is all she’s ever had. While I do appreciate that her mere existence, and Canada’s connection to her, sets a barrier against the rapid unquestioned Americanisation of our country, a monarch in itself is a useless, expensive thing. She isn’t allowed to have an opinion on any crucial issue since that’s the role of government. So she leads an expensive life with no real purpose except to lure in tourists and keep the UK united in spirit (allegedly). She’s not a lot of fun, doesn’t say much of anything, and doesn’t appreciate all the things that are handed to her on a platter.

What’s the point? Oh yeah, tourism. I can’t believe so many people have put so much effort into these birthday celebrations, and she barely noticed. Is there any hope that we won’t be celebrating the 80th birthday of King Charles III?