The Flip Side of Puritan

There are certain things that I once enjoyed, but could now happily go through the rest of my life without ever having to experience again. This steadily lengthening list includes dill pickle flavoured potato chips, watching Friday the 13th films while ripped on acid, karaoke fuelled by peppermint-schnapps, listening to Foghat’s Slow Ride while making out in the backseat of an oil-burning El Camino, and anything to do with Bono.

There are, however, certain things that will forever remain a part of my collection of earthly delights, as such the various little pleasures of life that consistently fuel my desire to remain clinging to this mortal coil. One of these things is French-fried potatoes. Another is perogies smothered in sour cream. Yet another is French-fried potatoes, with a side of perogies, followed by a baked potato. I suppose it is fair to say that, when it comes to monitoring my food intake, I am more inclined to the modified Atkins diet, i.e., a drastic increase in red meats, in combination with a smaller but still not insignificant increase in carbohydrates. It’s drastic, but it works for me.

It seems to me that we are living in an increasingly puritanical world. Everywhere I turn, people are giving up smoking cigarettes, drinking liquor, drinking coffee, eating meat, and eating white rice — for fuck sakes! Just the other day, an acquaintance of mine actually told me that he was going to give up eating strawberries and bananas, because they are too high in calories and sugar. I was forced to break his nose with a cast iron frying pan. What kind of sick world are we living in, where everyone suddenly wants to live to be 108 years old, so they can enjoy a few more decades of abject misery?

In case people out there have forgotten, if the good Lord had wanted us to live forever, he wouldn’t have made all of the things that are bad for us so fucking good. Life is not some Nordic walking marathon. Life is supposed to be an adventure, a thrill ride, a roller coaster. At the very least, it’s supposed to be somewhat enjoyable. Now, what would make it enjoyable? Let’s see… Maybe, gluten-free bread and wheat-grass pancakes? Nope. Sexual abstinence and sunflower seeds? Don’t think that was it. Wait a minute — I think it had something to do with cheap sex and expensive whisky. That’s it! It’s all coming back to me now! Gambling at the racetrack, Cuban cigars, fast motorcycles, dirty jokes, vampire movies, Boston cream pie, Peking duck, high-grade weed, and laughing out loud. I may not live to see ninety, but I guarantee you, I’ll enjoy whatever’s left!

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