Milk-Crate Bandit – Zombie Techno Apocalypse

Like a stumbling, flesh-seeking reanimated corpse, zombie chic has chomped its way into our culture to the point of popular comedies like Fido and Shaun of the Dead making box-office millions.

Most people would arguably be able to survive a zombie apocalypse based on knowledge they garnered from a movie or show, but what they don’t know is the biggest secret being kept by the international DJ community: techno is a zombified corpse’s biggest weakness, and they can’t resist alternately dancing and falling asleep. This makes them extremely docile and therefore vulnerable.

It’s bound to happen sooner or later, so here are some of the best ways to capture a zombie’s attention and render it harmless.

M.I.A. ? Arular

M.I.A.’s repetitive dance beats are about as infectious as an undead plague; great stuff for waking the neighbours and pretending not to be white or high.

Autechre ? Untitled (Warp180)

Autechre’s complex brand of IDM (intelligent dance music, heh) is engineered to astound and confuse, leaving the listener in an attention deficit coma for hours at a time. The Humane Society is currently considering this record as a more acceptable means of putting down small animals.

The Knife ? Silent Shout

When it comes to slaughtering the soldiers of a zombie army, It’s pretty much this album or a lot of big guns and trucks. Just look at this brain-melting crap.

Mortiis ? The Smell of Rain

I’m not sure if Mortiis is supposed to be some kind of cool ogre or elf or something, but his early 90’s industrial rip-offs are so bland that oatmeal would improve them. Ten out of 10 for style, but a big fat zero for effort.

Venetian Snares ? Meathole

This is the exact opposite of Excedrin.

Scooter ? Excess All Areas Live DVD

Halfway through the first song, I went out and bought a bunch of neon clothing, got my hair frosted and my everything pierced, and got arrested for dancing in front of Winners with my boom box. I’m now enroled in a 12-step program for recovering Scooter fans, and I’ve gained a lot of weight. Hide this from your children.

Single Cell Orchestra ? The Vertical Iris

How many more rave anthems does the world really need? Stop doing meth, put down your glow sticks, and go have a shower for crying out loud. I take it back; this is too irritating to be used on zombies.

I Am Robot and Proud ? The Catch

The only way The Catch could be any more soothing is if it was a scented candle made out of Yanni.

Tribes of Neurot ? Adaptation and Survival: The Insect Project

This is a dedication to the multitude of skills and talents evolved by insects over the millennia through the sonic exploration of an insect’s world; in other words, an album of what bugs probably hear. I fell asleep just reading the liner notes.

Portishead ? Third

Apparently, Portishead can’t spell ?turd.?

The Focus Group ? Hey Let Loose Your Love

There are pretty much an infinite number of ways to make and pattern noises into songs, and the absolute worst one of these myriad methods is to take brief, somewhat soothing electronic samples and arrange them haphazardly, giving the impression of Star Trek?s sentient Computer softly weeping disconsolately to itself.

Seriously, how do these people even sleep at night knowing that they charge $20 for such utterly unlistenable pap? It must be easier to calm your conscience when You’re rolling around in big piles of undeserved money and laughing at the plebian suckers you’ve swindled with your ?art.?