Dear Barb – Dating Decision Must be Respected

Dear Barb:

I am a single guy who has had trouble meeting attractive and interesting women in their forties or fifties during the last while. Recently, a good friend of mine told me that he knew such a woman who was both attractive and intelligent. Having seen a few photos of her, I have to concur with his assessment. My friend felt that I and this lady might have some things in common and he attempted to arrange an informal meeting (Starbucks was suggested).

Unfortunately, my friend informed me that this lady had recently met a guy and did not want to offend this new companion; hence, she was unwilling to make any sort of social arrangement with another male. My friend was astounded and I was disappointed to hear this lady’s position. We both wondered why she would close herself from possible opportunities unless she was sure that her new male companion was likely to be her lifelong partner! Even if that were the case, her lack of openness to suggestion seemed overly restrictive. I await your advice as to how to break up this situational log jam or whether it may be a lost cause.


Hi, Andrew. Interesting dilemma! For me to answer your question fairly I would need to know more details. For example, how long has this lady been seeing her present companion? If she is reluctant to see you perhaps this relationship has been going on for a while and this lady feels committed to this man. Or she may have discussed the possibility of meeting with you and her companion was not happy about it. Therefore if she were to meet with you it would cause problems. Consequently, you can assume she cares enough about this person that she does not want to jeopardize the relationship in order to meet with you.

Let’s look at this scenario from a different perspective. If you were in this situation, how would you feel if your lady agreed to meet with another man? Wouldn’t you feel that her intention in meeting with another man may be to see if he has more to offer her than you? Subsequently, this would not be a positive experience for you.

As for this man being this lady’s life partner, if this is a fairly new relationship, I don’t know that this lady would be able to conclusively know the answer to that question. I guess all you can do is assume this lady is content with her present relationship.

I don’t know that I was able to answer your question, other than to say that it appears at the present time this lady is not interested in pursuing anything with any other males. You said at the beginning of your question that you have had trouble meeting attractive and interesting women. Have you tried some of the online dating sites? I know of many people who have found their lifelong partners on such sites.

Thanks for writing, Andrew.

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