Recently, at a children’s Christmas party while I was dressed rather elf-like, I came to a realization regarding Christmas, a realization I am none too pleased with, and feel I need to air my grievances to you, the representative of Christmas. (Yes, I am aware Christmas is really Jesus? holiday but, as He has not provided the world at large with his mailing address, I am sure you will be well equipped to handle my concern in His stead).
Christmas was made for children?a fact I have come to find discriminatory and illogical.
Why save the best, most magical day of the year for children when they are the least likely creatures imaginable to appreciate a day of complete and joyous peace, not having had to participate in the frenetic buildup to said magical day? How can they possibly appreciate the peace of Christmas morning when they have not had to elbow their way through shopping malls during the Christmas sales?
Even your elves have surely known a hard day’s work leading up to Christmas, Santa, and they are magical elves.
Like your elves (at least, how they are portrayed in the movies), we adults must slave through the necessary prep work to make for a festive season. We must purchase and wrap the gifts, we must do the cooking and baking, we must do the cleaning and decorating. Christmas isn’t all too Christmasy when You’re on the plus side of 12.
I am putting my foot down, Santa. I will take no more blatant neglect. Have you forgotten that you are more than just the patron saint of children? You are also the patron saint of lawsuits lost unjustly. (Really? That’s just ridiculous.) And most importantly, Saint Nicholas of Myra, you are also the patron saint of unmarried women?that’d be yours truly, mister?and I think this year you should send some attention my way.
Before you even start to object: yes, I know It’s been nearly 20 years since I last wrote to you, nearly 20 years since I last believed in your very existence, so I’m probably not your first choice of someone to do a favour for. But I am appealing to you on behalf of all adults, not solely myself, so please at least consider what I am about to propose (although, if you’d like to throw a little extra special something my way, I certainly wouldn’t object).
How about this year we have an old-fashioned, magical Christmas? You know, like how it is in the Christmas specials, with your elves making the gifts and you delivering them, already wrapped, while everyone is asleep.
I think this is an excellent idea. Not only will it do wonders for the overall morale of humankind but, in an economy as tight as it is right now, I’m sure your elves would appreciate the job security that manufacturing toys for billions would provide.
I understand that you are about two thousand years old and you may not be as spry or as jolly as you once were. And I’m sure with global warming devastating the North Pole you have bigger concerns than delivering presents, but think of all the good attention you could receive by giving the world one truly magical Christmas! (By the way, can’t you do something about global warming? Yes, I may be confusing you with God right now, but I still feel It’s a valid question?you are a saint after all. I imagine the saints are a bit like the X-Men, what with all their unique abilities. You do have special powers, right? Knowing when we are sleeping and when we are awake alludes to some form of telepathy.)
I can picture the headlines now: ?Even with home in peril, Santa delivers.? Plus, no one would let Santa go homeless. If you just step up and confirm your existence once and for all, money couldn’t be thrown fast enough at global warming research groups to ensure the homes of you and the elves were safe for another few thousand years.
If none of the above appeals to you, could you at least consider advocating a role reversal as to who is responsible for the Christmas chores?
Every year adults go out of their way to give children magical Christmases so it is only fair that, once in a while, the children should step up and treat the adults. If you and your elves are unwilling to provide the world with a traditionally magical Christmas, could you possibly mandate that children are responsible for the gift buying and whatnot?
To their credit, kids do have to suffer through endless cheek pinching from elderly relatives and countless photos during the Christmas season (often while wearing highly embarrassing holiday-themed knitwear). So I don’t see how a few days of shopping, wrapping, decorating, and cooking can be any more scarring than that.
I look forward to hearing your feedback, Santa. While I’m sure that my ideas may not appeal to you at first, given time and further conversation I’m sure we can work something out.