Dear Barb – Time Will Tell if He’s Over the Past

Dear Barb:

I recently began dating a great guy. We have a lot in common and get along fabulously. My problem is that about six months before we met he had been in a relationship and was very much in love. This girl was cheating on Dan and ultimately she broke off the relationship. Dan says he was devastated and spent the last six months participating in some pretty promiscuous behaviour. He tells me is he now over her and is falling in love with me, but he still talks about her a lot. I also had been in a relationship that ended because I was cheated on. I’m wondering if I should be concerned about this girl re-entering Dan’s life and me being dumped. I’m not sure if I should continue in this relationship as I really don’t want to be hurt again. Thanks for your advice.

Rebecca

Hi, Rebecca. It appears as though you have both been through a rough time, which may work for you or against you.

Since you have both experienced the pain of betrayal, you know how it feels and It’s unlikely that you would want to cause someone else this pain. On the other hand, you both may be on the rebound from these previous relationships and clinging to each other. If this is the case, when you have healed yourself you may find this isn’t the relationship you want to be in.

There are no guarantees in life, but if you don’t take a chance you could miss out on what may be a wonderful relationship. You mentioned that it has been six months since this relationship broke up, so he has had some time to heal, although not a lot. Perhaps you could just take your time and go slowly.

Watch for red flags. You said he is talking about her a lot; that should stop as your relationship grows. If it doesn’t, that would be an indication that he is not over her. You said that he has been assuring you that he is over the past. Perhaps you should try to give him the benefit of the doubt.

For many people, cheating is a deal breaker and reconciliation is not an option. Since you have experienced a similar situation, how do you feel about the person that did this to you? Would you want to leave a good relationship to return to one where the person has already broken your trust? I think taking a chance on a new relationship, where there are no trust issues, would be less risky than returning to one where there have been those issues. Something to think about.

Good luck, Rebecca. Give the relationship a chance and try to focus on the positive.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

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