I’m offended by holiday music.

I hate crooning singers making love to the microphone. I despise tear-jerking tunes and emotionally manipulative lyrics (I’m looking at you, ?Christmas Shoes?). Worst of all, most of the holiday songs I hear are celebrating something I don’t believe in.

Winter.

Nothing gets me more than all this winter love. Where are the songs about summer? We’ve got whole radio stations dedicated to pro-frost sentiment, but come June there’ll be nary a melody about ?Eighty degrees and life is great.?

It’s solely winter we sing about, but why? Snow is only a winter wonderland if you don’t have to shovel it. Christmastime in the city is characterized by hazardous driving conditions, rude motorists, and lots of accidents to prove it. And while hot cocoa by the fire is a nice thought, a frosted drink and a beach chair are so much better. Bonus points if there are palm trees and a good-looking pool boy.

we’re days away from the winter solstice. This is supposed to be a comforting thing–?we’re now on our way to summer!?–but it doesn’t quite work that way, does it? We can’t be anywhere close to the warm weather if the temperature is still on its miserable downward skid toward January.

Here the weather outside is, as the song goes, frightful. And the fireplace is indeed delightful, if you have one; otherwise, jacking up the thermostat to 80 degrees gives a similar scratchy warmth. But then It’s frightful again if you open the door to go buy food or take your child to school (spoiled brat; when I was a kid I walked to school both ways uphill in the snow).

Also frightful? The heating bill.

Of course I could just move to Florida and be done with winter for good. But even if I did, Florida radios would still play those silly carols with no thought of irony. Ever sat and listened to a choir singing ?Warm this time of winter? when It’s 80 degrees out? I have. It doesn’t work.

But then again, do winter songs really work in the north? As far as I’m concerned, crooning winter carols just adds insult to the injuries sustained when I slipped on the ice.

Go ahead, celebrate the holidays. Deck the halls, drink and be merry, and look at ships coming sailing in. But please, for the love of all good things, don’t tell me that outside there’s a winter wonderland.