Dear Barb – The Quiet Mom

Dear Barb:

I have had a lot of difficultly with relationships, as I have been married twice and had quite a few failed relationships I just keep picking the wrong people. I feel like my mom blames me for all my failed relationships, she hasn’t said that, but when I mention my failed relationships she agrees with me. Now I haven’t spoken to my mom for almost a year. My folks divorced when I was six, but I stayed close to mom until I was a teenager. But then things got so bad that after a fight, an actual physical one, my mom sent me to my dad’s house. Later she wanted me to come back, but I was so mad that I stayed with my dad. Things have never been the same between us; and as years went by, they got worse. We tried counseling briefly, but it seemed like a waste of time.

I stopped speaking to my mother this time because when my marriage ended, I did not want her to speak to my ex and I told her if she did I would be putting some distance between us. She told me I can’t control who she speaks to, therefore she would not agree. Why would a mother do something so mean? I don’t know if she has spoken to my ex, but I don’t want anything to do with her. Some of my friends having been saying things to me like, she is your mother and how will you feel if something happens to her? I feel she made a choice by choosing to speak to my ex. What is your opinion? Thanks Jackie.

Hi Jackie:

I don’t think you are solving anything by not speaking to your mother. Are you still mad at your mother for sending you to live with your dad, perhaps? I think you need to go back to counseling and work through this relationship with your mother, as obviously it is affecting the other relationships in your life. I agree with your mother, you cannot control who another person sees or speaks to. You may not feel comfortable with your mother speaking to your ex, but chances are their relationship would dissipate over time. I don’t understand why you feel your mother has done something so mean, when you are the one who has actually cut her out of your life. That’s a pretty drastic thing to do! Very few people are one hundred percent happy with everything their parents have done, but most don’t obliterate their parents from their life. As your friends have said, have you thought about how you would feel if something happened to your mother? My advice to you is to get some counseling, first by yourself and then with your mother. Counseling will help to improve all of your relationships. Good Luck Jackie.

I would like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a happy New Year and I hope you are all able to spend time with the ones you love, as life can change in the blink of an eye!

Email your questions to Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

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