Dear Barb – What’s Left Behind

Dear Barb:

I have a dilemma and I’m not sure what to do. A very good friend of mine separated from her husband about four years ago and she has been seeing someone for the last three years. Another friend of ours recently broke up with her boyfriend and she has been on a few dating sites. While online, she saw our friend’s present boyfriend’s profile. Needless to say she was devastated and didn’t know what to do. When she told me about it I thought maybe it was an old profile that he may have forgotten to take off, but I’m sure he would have gotten some hits, so it’s hard to say he forgot about it. We really don’t know if we should mention it, or just let it be. Help Dana!

Hi Dana:

It’s hard to know the whole situation. Maybe he changed his email address; so doesn’t realize his profile is still online and active. If that were the case the administrators would not be able to contact him either. It’s a tough position for you and your friend, but I think you have to look for signs from your friend. Does she seem happy in her relationship? Unless she says something to you, about perhaps suspecting he is on a dating site, I would not say anything to her about this. If your friend was able to see his profile anyone would be able to see it, including his partner. He doesn’t seem to be trying to hide it, therefore just continue your relationship with them both until when, or if, something changes. Thanks for writing in Dana.

Dear Barb:

Within the last few years I have had a few friends and family members pass away and two of them did not have a funeral or even a memorial service. Is this the new trend? It’s like they were here one day and gone the next and I never even had a chance to say goodbye. I hope this is not the way of the future. I can see where someone wouldn’t want the traditional funeral with the mass and everything, but a little memorial service is a nice way to give people closure and honor the person who passed. What is your feeling on this issue? Thanks Barbara.

Hi Barbara:

Great question. Traditional funerals are changing with the baby boomers. We were the generation that changed everything, why not change the way we say goodbye. In a lot of cases funerals are being replaced by personalized memorial services. People want to say goodbye to their loved ones in a special way and they are leaving their personal instructions. Many people prefer a celebration of their life when they pass rather than the sad goodbyes of yesterday. With medical advances people are living longer and for the most part have enjoyed a long and happy life, providing time for them to make peace with their death. So Barbara, you are going to have to respect the wishes of the dead and find your own personal way to achieve the closure that you need. Perhaps writing a goodbye letter to the person, or getting together with a couple of mutual friends or family members and sharing special stories would be helpful.

Email your questions to voice@voicemagazine.org. Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

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