Dear Barb – Uncomfortable Circumstances

Dear Barb:

My girlfriend and I have been together two years. We get along great and have a lot of fun together. I thought I wanted to spend my life with her, but I’m having second thoughts. we’re in our late twenties and, I get we both have a past, but I thought we’d discussed anything that would impact our relationship. Recently I discovered some disturbing details though. My girlfriend and her friend had a falling out and as a result the friend told me that my girlfriend had done adult movies in her past. I thought this friend was just angry and making it up, but I couldn’t get it out of my head, until finally I asked my girlfriend about it. At first she tried to avoid answering, but eventually admitted that she had made a few back when she was in university because she needed the money. I was devastated! She said she didn’t tell me because she was embarrassed and felt awful that she had done these movies and she didn’t think I would find out. Now I have all these thoughts running through my head, like what if somebody I know, or in my family, see these movies, or maybe they already have? And I wonder what else she has done that she hasn’t told me about. don’t you think this is a significant thing to keep secret from someone you have been in a relationship with for two years? I’m just not sure if I can move on from this. I would appreciate any input you can offer. Thanks, Eric.

Hey Eric:

It’s an unfortunate situation. Often people do stupid things when they are young and don’t realize the consequences could last a life time. Eric, you are the only one that can decide whether you can live with the fact that your girlfriend did these movies, and the possibility that someone you know may see them. Do you feel she is hiding other things from you? If you don’t have trust you really can’t have a successful relationship. But put yourself in her position and you can probably see why she wouldn’t want to tell you about it, although I do think she should have. Honesty is always the best policy. Ultimately you have to do what you feel is right and what you can live with. Thanks for your letter Eric.

Dear Barb:

I have a small dog that I have been trying to board and she hates it. She won’t eat while there and just pines away for me and my husband. This is really limiting our lifestyle and I don’t know what to do. Fortunately, the dog sitter is really patient with her, but I worry about her all the time while I’m gone. I have only brought her there twice and I don’t know whether I should try someone else, or just forget about the possibility of boarding her? Confused Carol.

Hi Carol:

Have you discussed this with your vet? She/he may be able to give you some medication that will relax your dog and relieve her anxiety while she gets to know the sitter and begins to feel comfortable there. Also I think you should continue to bring her for short visits, so she comes to realize that you are going to come back and not leave her there. Some dogs, like people, do not adjust readily to new situations, so give her time. Good luck Carol.

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