50 Ways to Leave your Lover

Concluding you need to end a romantic relationship is never an easy decision.  No matter how long you’ve invested in the partnership, it’s hard to let someone down easy.  However, there may come a day when it becomes glaringly obvious it must be done.  For example, when your boyfriend knows a little too much about how to use drug paraphernalia or prefers to use the bathroom facilities with the door wide open.  This was not the kind of sharing you had in mind when you began dating.  Or your girlfriend likes to use the word ‘like’ a little too frequently.  Like, at the beginning of every sentence.  Fear not, there is no shortage of inspired approaches to saying “Sayonara!” to your current relationship.

Fortunately, we all have easy access to our handheld devices that make leaving someone as simple as sending a short, concise text, such as “It’s not me, it’s you.” If you enjoy creative writing, you can pen an expositive, enlightening email about how you don’t appreciate her staring at her reflection for ten hours a day, or how his penchant for telling dirty, misogynistic, racist jokes is not in line with your value system.  This way of breaking up is appealingly convenient for the more cowardly among us—those who deeply dislike confrontation of any kind.  If you tend to change your mind and become too nice when someone begins crying openly in front of you, this technique works like a charm!

Another fun way of separating from someone is to generate the under-rated public scene.  Inexplicably throwing a nice fizzy pop in your soon-to-be-ex’s face for no apparent reason at the local food fare is sure to cause him or her to think twice about sticking around.  Alternatively, confronting them (loudly) in the hallway at school about the lies he or she has been spreading on social media about your recent crazy behavior is sure to bring you closer to your goal of singlehood.

The final technique is where you truly put your imaginative and creative skills to work.  Oh, what fun! This involves doing something so heinous that your next ex will never want to be seen with you in public, ever again.  One idea is to take up smoking, drinking, and eating everything garlic until you smell so vile they cannot bear to be in the same vicinity as you any longer.  Beware of the consequences and repercussions of this one—you may lose a few friends in the process who can no longer stand to be near you either.  But, sometimes sacrifices must be made for the higher good.  A further cool idea is to return the favour of ‘the sharer’ and leave the bathroom door open while you use the facilities.  This one is particularly effective when you also have the flu.  Who knew your ex could leave so quickly and efficiently?

Indeed, breaking up is hard to do, but life must go on.  As Paul Simon’s classic goes, there are more than 50 ways to leave your lover.  When you put on your creative cap, there must be hundreds.  Make a vivid memory; make a statement.  What a wonderful story to tell your future grandchildren.  Say “See you later, Alligator.” But don’t mean it.