Dear Barb—The Ex Factor

Dear Barb:

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year.  Prior to dating Jay I was involved in a serious relationship for five years and we had planned to eventually marry.  My ex was everything I wanted; I loved him tremendously.  But he cheated on me and I was devastated.  Even though I still loved him I felt I had to end the relationship because I would never be able to trust him again.  Two weeks ago my ex contacted me on Facebook.  Initially I didn’t respond, however eventually I did communicate with him.  I haven’t told Jay about it, and I’m feeling like I’m being dishonest by keeping it a secret.  My ex has admitted that he made a mistake and says he really misses me.  He broke up with the girl he had cheated on me with, and now he wants a second chance.  I don’t know what to do.  I still have feelings for him, but I really care deeply for Jay.  If I give my ex a second chance, what if it doesn’t work out? Then I will have lost both guys.  What advice would you give someone in my position? Thanks, Anita.

Hey Anita:

Thanks for sharing your story.  You are in quite a dilemma.  I would suggest you talk to a counselor, as you need to sort out your true feelings.  First of all you don’t want to carry on a relationship with Jay if you still have feelings for your ex, that is not fair to him or you.  If you choose to leave Jay and go back to your ex, will you really be able to trust him? Or will you always wonder where he is and what he’s doing.  Also do you have feelings of resentment towards your ex because of his betrayal? You and your ex need to discuss why he chose to cheat on you, was there something he was missing in your relationship? These are all questions and issues that need to be worked out and resolved before you can even attempt to resume a relationship with your ex.  If you truly wanted to get back with your ex, I don’t think you would be having all these second thoughts, the decision would be automatic.  You need to work these issues out with a professional, and then you will be able to make a decision based on clear thinking.  Also I think you should be honest with Jay and tell him about your ex coming back into your life.  You are not being totally honest with him and these types of things eventually come out.  If you end up with Jay, you don’t want to have any secrets, you need to begin with a clean slate.  Thanks for your question Anita.

Email your questions to  Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed.  This column is for entertainment only.  The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.