Dear Barb—Setting Up

Dear Barb:

Most of my friends have partners, are living together, or married.  I have two friends who are single and in their mid thirties.  They don’t know each other but I think they would be perfect together.  I really want to set them up.  I talked to a few friends who know them both and they say I shouldn’t get involved because if it doesn’t work out, I may lose two good friends.  I feel so sure that this will work out that I think it’s worth a try.  Besides I don’t think I will lose my friends if it doesn’t work out, I think that’s a bit dramatic.  Both these friends have been through quite a few relationships and nothing seems to work for them and I just hate to see them miss out on such a perfect match.  Do you think I should give it a try? Looking for an unbiased opinion.  Thanks, Christina.

Hi Christina:

Setting up friends can be tricky.  It can work out great or it can be a disaster.  Have you discussed with both whether they are open to being set up and what their expectations are if it isn’t a good match.  You need reassurances that they won’t blame you.  It’s not a good idea to set up two friends simply because they are single.  Do they have common interests and similar lifestyles? If they don’t, they wouldn’t have anything to talk about.  If you have heard one person say they never want kids and the other one is anxious to start a family, it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to set them up.  They may change their minds at some point, but they may not.  Don’t set two people up simply because they both want to get married.  That is not a good enough reason.  You seem to have such high expectations for this relationship, how are you going to feel if it doesn’t work.  Are you going to end up stuck in the middle? Would they blame you if it ends up in a messy break up?  Will you and your partner be joining them on their first date, as that may ease the strain of finding something to talk about?  Since you know them both you can bring up common interests to get the ball rolling.  If your friends are willing to give it a try and not blame you if it doesn’t work out, then what’s the harm in trying, you could end up making two people very happy.  Good Luck Christina

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