Dear Barb—Wedding Miss?

Dear Barb:

Greg and I have been together five years and moved in together two years ago.  We have just finished our degrees, have landed good jobs, and are anxious to begin a future together.  Eventually we want to have children, but have decided to purchase a house first.  Everything is great between us until we begin discussing marriage.  As soon as the topic comes up, I can feel my body tense up and my stomach begin churning.  I am pretty sure Greg is picking up on how the thought of marriage doesn’t seem to sit well with me.  But I can’t seem to pinpoint what is causing this.  We get along great, rarely argue, but something doesn’t seem right when I start to think about marrying him.  I’m confused and don’t know what I should do. Is this an indication that maybe I’m making a mistake? I love Greg.  Do you have any suggestions for me? Thanks, Nicole. 

Hi Nicole:

The best time to deal with any doubts or second thoughts you may have about getting married is before it’s official, and ideally, before you have begun any plans.  Currently you’re still talking about it, so before you make it official you need to address these concerns.  There are right and wrong reasons to marry, and you need to make sure yours are the right reasons and it’s the right time.  Since you get along well and everything is great, maybe it’s just the timing for you.  Maybe you need a little longer to be 100% certain.  Below are some questions you can ask yourself that may help you decide if you are marrying for the right reasons.

  1. Are you marrying because all your friends are getting married and it seems the right time?
  2. Are you marrying for financial reasons?
  3. Are you tired of being single?
  4. Perhaps you are feeling pressured because you are living together?
  5. Are you marrying because you fear no one else will love you?

The answers to these questions may help you to discover what is giving you second thoughts.  Also here are some of the right reasons to be getting married, so make sure these apply as well.

  1. You are in love with each other.
  2. You have similar goals for your life together.
  3. You are realistic about each other’s faults and don’t plan to change the other person after marriage.
  4. You are willing to make the commitment and work required in marriage.

These should help you to determine whether marriage is right for you at this time in your life, or with this partner.  Hope this information is helpful and thanks for your question Nicole.