Today’s column will take more of a scholarly slant, exploring recent “scientific” studies conducted in several ivy league universities that prefer to remain anonymous. According to cutting edge research funded by KarmaPharma Holistic Antipsychotics, most of what we thought we knew about the development of individual personality is totally incorrect. Darwinism, nature / nurture, and the map of the human genome are fundamentally whack. Likewise, horoscopes, zodiacs, magic 8-balls, midway fortune-telling machines, psychology, and genetics are all completely bogus. What we are now just beginning to understand, by means of rigorous anecdotal sampling, and quadruple blind clinical studies, is that preferences, personality, and even destiny are all at least 100% determined by the insidious influence of certain colours on what is being dubbed by very credible scientific types as ‘The Cosmic Colour Wheel,’ or in French, “Pamplemousse.”
Today, we begin with some leaked information related to the colours Pink, and Red.
Apparently, if you were born under the influence of pink, you enjoy frothy tropical cocktails and elaborate layer cakes. Either in this or some other lifetime you have wagered large sums of money in Monte Carlo. You have an extensive collection of rare sequins or rococo bone china, possibly both, and the concept of tulle is by no means unknown to you. You have considered a strict diet of fortune cookies. Some of you are approval whores, and prone to using random social media hashtags and experimental fashion statements to get attention. You yearn for the days of extra-long cigarette holders, and perhaps for you those days have never ended. (How are we doing so far?)
Those born under the influence of red (you know who you are) are irresistibly drawn towards neon signs and gypsy violins. You enjoy bloody sunsets, blood oranges, bloody steaks, bloody marys, and probably blood. (Fun fact: Countess Yvette-Marie Varennes, heiress to the Li Quan mahjong fortune – and the quintessential Red – bribed a corrupt Paris mortuary assistant to procure a jar of Oscar Wilde’s blood, mixing a single drop of it in each glass of her beloved cognac). You have an intense thirst for poetry, raw experience, and revenge. You are, let’s face it, a naughty and saucy type, probably not to be trusted with an expense account. Obviously, you have attended multiple seances, barbecues, and black masses. Probably this week.
From what I have been able to discern, further research is targeting the colours green, blue, indigo, and chartreuse.
Of course, this column, due to its revelatory nature, will soon be going viral, generating no end of excitement and debate. I certainly plan on personally profiting from being the first to bring it to your attention, and am pleased to announce (subject to the fruition of certain recently-placed wagers) that the Cosmic Colour Wheel will soon be the subject of a major independent motion picture documentary (working title: ‘Something Something Colour Wheel’), to be co-produced by Cheap Marketing Ploy and Desperate for Attention Productions.
Following is a sample of several likely-to-be-forthcoming critical reviews:
“A real freaking eye-opener! The place where sex, fashion, glamour, artistic stuff, and horror all meet to mingle in a responsible way, and to perform awkward dance moves.” Anticipated review, New York Times
“I laughed! I cried! I felt slightly violated.” Anticipated review, Wall Street Journal
“I can’t believe we paid … for that column. Frankly, it’s … gibberish” Anticipated review, The Voice Magazine
Furthermore, following the inevitable success of this column and film, plans are already taking shape for a diverse (yet synergistic) line of spin-off products, including fashion accessories, children’s toys, swimwear, and over-the-counter medications.
Please, just remember that you heard it here first!
[Editor’s note: A truly sagacious bit of satire, neatly eviscerating both the modern trends of Facebook personality tests, and the media fascination with viral-qua-viral postings. I can’t believe we paid so little for that column. Frankly, it’s about time someone pointed out how it’s all gibberish.]