The above prayer is usually something I keep in secret when I write these pieces. To keep things more secure is usually the argument—usually. But it’s time to step out of the usual in several ways.
First, if I want to be comfortable with who I am, I have to stop overthinking everything and just do it. The very fact that this may sound familiar because of previous work is the basis for my second reason; I do the usual thing of talking about something but not really living up to it. Simply, I can write about giving up self-sufficiency and, most recently, the gift that comes from letting go, but the fact is, in saying that, I gave the universe permission (apparently) to take me out of the frying pan and put me into the fire.
While on a cognitive and spiritual level I understand that I am getting what I asked for, to become who I a m meant to be and truly live as a quadriplegic walking by faith, as it says on my email signature. When it comes to my emotional and psychological aspects, however, this change is disagreeable. Put another way, I know deep down this will be good for me, bringing benefit for me and hopefully many others in the future, while simultaneously hating how it feels at the present moment.
It’s like, I love the scholarship, but university is hard! Citation style? Wait how many, and what version? And it depends on the professor’s preference? “Dad I need you to help me with my paper,” she whimpered.
Now, eight years later I moved to emotional and psychological graduate school—except it’s every day. What? You mean I can’t just pretend I can pick up the popcorn easily, I have to acknowledge I suck at it? And acknowledge that over thinking is a bad thing instead of rationalizing it?
You mean I can’t hide behind wanting to make my heroes proud to cover up the fact that I feel totally inadequate right now? I have to put myself in situations where I feel completely out of my depth? I won’t wake up completely at peace with everything even after prayer? Jesus, I need you. For everything! Amen.
Yes, my journey to understand that human nature is frail is unique because it seems to be on the outside, with the quadriplegic thing, but don’t we all crave independence and exaltation to some extent? The thing is, it’s not healthy. Yes, this realization burns like nothing I’ve ever experienced. This withdrawal from self-sufficiency and arrogance is hell.
But it’s worth it. How? I just know.