A Public Apology from my Inner Critic

My Dear Elisa;

I am writing this letter to say I’m sorry for being so hard on us and creating a complex.  That is, I’m sorry for all the mixed messages.

For example, we have a voice but don’t say anything that could get us rejected!

Or, we have loving parents and family as long as we do what they say (even though they support us and everything even when they don’t understand at first).

Or, we are loveable and have our own mind!  As long as someone else on the outside world or something supports us; if they don’t we are a piece of shit.

Or, Jesus loves everybody, but we have to be careful there we don’t get rejected for doing something wrong.  (But that’s not him, that’s us.)

I am so sorry for making your life living hell.  I’m telling you “Love is everything,” but then not allowing you to love in your own way.  I don’t allow you to cry unless sanctioned by someone else.  I’ve been asking you to fight like hell to have your own perspective but then I don’t even give you the freedom of liking CSI Miami without feeling incredibly guilty because Nanny [my maternal grandmother] didn’t like it.

Even worse now, I’m doing the same thing with something that is much more important, sorry, extremely important, to you now.  I’m sorry for not giving you a choice on faith.  Or rather, the freedom and the accompanying serenity to be OK with the fact that some new age and especially sceptic positions on Jesus just don’t work for me and allow us to leave the books and conversations of this nature to those who are interested.

Therefore, I also apologize that I have internalized me as the villain.  In this particular case a Bible thumping individual who is stubborn, closed-minded, and also claiming that everyone else is to blame.  I’m sorry I lived up to that image because I keep reminding us that we have made mistakes.  Things we should’ve done differently—the things we didn’t do differently.

I am sorry for the times I tell you that you are not good enough, that you will never be good enough, that your emotions have no value, that we have no value.

Please forgive me.  You’ve been doing so well.  I mean are you struggling with new personal dynamics right now?  Yes, but you want to grow.

You’ve been booking appointments, and writing this apology for yourself is a big step on its own! Considering when you pulled that Oracle card asking for accountability the first thought in your mind was: “What the hell do I need to apologize for? Why am I always the one apologizing?!” And yet, you’re here.

Thank you Elisa, not because it was the “right thing to do”.  But thank you for showing up.  Even though extreme ownership is one of the hardest things to do. Thank you for caring about your faith enough to hold on even when times get difficult.

Thank you for caring about your family so much that even characteristics that drive you crazy do not constitute license to be an asshole and forget other people’s feelings.

Thank you for loving so much that you were willing to feel pain in your life journey.  Even to the extent that it seems constant.

Thank you for loving with your entire being, even when you have every reason not to.

Thank you for persevering and being persistent in things especially when others and even us do not understand the point in continuing.

Thank you for being you.  And beginning to know what your boundaries are.  Thank you for loving us and I promise to give the same love now and forever.



Re: My Dear Elisa

I forgive you! Love you too, amen.

Hugs and kisses,


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