I’ve always disliked Aesops’ fable of the ant and the grasshopper.  The ant, with its pathologically selfless commitment to busy work and ceaseless networking, does make some kind of sense as a symbol of the complete buy-in to the all-work-no-play ethos and motivation-through-fear that employers like to pretend they don’t force upon us.  As a slothful shirker and general avoider of unnecessary toil, though, I have an issue with the quality of laziness being represented by the grasshopper; there are other creatures that I believe would be far more suitable.  The skylark, for instance, would be a better symbol (although maybe a bit too on the nose?).  How about the monkey?  I like monkeys.  Butterflies, dolphins, sea otters, rabbits, ring-tailed lemurs, apple trees and roses all seem very carefree to me and appear to have a sensible approach to maintaining a healthy life/work balance.

Overall, though, if we’re talking work-related analogies, I much prefer the parable of Matthew 20.  For those of you who might not know, this story from the Bible tells of some vineyard workers who started their shift late in the day, but ended up being paid just as much as those workers who had diligently showed up on time and consequently worked much longer hours.  Predictably, the perceived unfairness in pay caused a great deal of peevish griping amongst all the workplace finger-pointers and sycophantic try-hards on staff.

I enjoy this tale partly because of some very important lesson I’m pretty sure it illustrates, but mostly because I like strolling through vineyards, and having picnics, and drinking wine.  Especially if I’m supposed to be working.

But, to admit to being a lazy person in polite society is akin publicly announcing a predilection towards bestiality or stating that Cats is your all-time favourite film.  This is a deep-rooted form of societal madness encouraged by the soulless and demented greedheads who worship at the altar of late stage/end stage capitalism.

It’s time to stop fetishizing the idea of work, work, and more work as a reasonable to live.  Time, instead, to embrace the joys of frivolously wasting away all the hours that the gods have given us, whenever we possibly can.

Shirkers and layabouts live longer, less tediously productive lives.  We don’t start a lot of small businesses, or rise to the top of major corporations, but if we did, they would be fun places to work.  We are more lighthearted, spontaneous, inspired, and joyful, are more fun to be around, and more consistently have access to high-grade weed.  We have reduced susceptibility to ulcers, and lower risk of high blood pressure and cardiac arrest (although these benefits can sometimes be negated by a vicious cycle of high-grade weed, nacho chips, and cupcakes).  Also, speaking objectively, we are better looking and make far more enjoyable companions.

And this is not just me talking out of my ass here! I have heard from friends that some people say there are probably scientific studies conducted by all sorts of reputable clinics and universities that could possibly, or even absolutely…yes,  absolutely be interpreted as backing me up on this.

But even without this mountain of irrefutable evidence, I can just feel it in my bones, can’t you? Being lazy is the right thing to do.