As we all know, there are certain things that happen to other people that will never happen to us. Chief among these is death. Other people will pass away, and we shall mourn them and miss them terribly. We will miss their companionship, and all the things that were so lovely and infuriating about them. We will miss their off-key singing, their dirty jokes, and their lopsided smiles. We will miss the stylish way they wore their scarves, and the way that the ash at the end of their cigarettes always grew impossibly long, without ever falling.
But, of course, we ourselves shall never die. It simply cannot happen. We shall never die because we are too busy; there are too many things to do. Like baking bread, learning French, and pruning rose bushes.
Besides, we have taken certain foolproof measures to ensure our immortality. We dance and talk and laugh until the early hours of the morning. We drink black coffee and red wine. We play hockey and teach each other new guitar chords. All of these, we have reason to believe, will indefinitely extend our lifespan.
Another reason we shall never die: we have an insatiable hunger for life. Always wanting to see what will happen next, what is around the next bend in the road. So many things to live for. A bowling tournament, an eclipse, a friend’s wedding, another season of our favorite show. Things that we want to do again, and again. Another ski slope, another full moon. Another plate of pasta in Rome, another chance to fall in love.
And it’s impossible to imagine leaving this beautiful, terrible world behind, with so much still left undone. To have never seen a ghost or a u.f.o., for instance. To have never been forgiven for some hurtful thing we’ve said or done. Or, worse still, to have withheld forgiveness out of stupid pride.
No, I think it’s safe to say that you and I shall never die. Or, if we do, we shall absolutely come back as beautiful ghosts. And not in some condemned gothic pile in the middle of nowhere, either. By sheer force of will, we shall learn how to haunt cool places that we’ve never even been! Trendy shopping malls, perhaps, or the International Space Station. And, as ghosts, we shall even learn new skills, like roller skating and crochet.
Besides, you never know, there might even be a Heaven. We will definitely be in good company, then. Isadora Duncan will be there, and David Bowie, too. Plus a whole bunch of people I really, really miss, and one or two who still owe me money.
So, to recap: we shall never, ever die. Unless we do. But even then, it won’t be so bad, what with the afterlife and all. And even if there isn’t one, at least we’ve lived a life for a moment or two. And perhaps we’ll be remembered quite fondly, if only for our bad karaoke, and our lopsided smiles.
