Sequence A
Snoop: (Puts a Death Row chain on Alek’s neck.)
Alek: “I guess I’m Death Row Canada now!”

Sequence B
Snoop: “If we went to high school together, we would have been best homies.”
Alek: “Yes, but we would have also gotten expelled, or worse.”

The above scenes sum up a “midnight session” between Tha Doggfather, Snoop Doggy Dogg, and me.  If it was not for photos and video recordings, nobody would believe how that night transpired.  Because all Summer I have had to listen to people tell me, “I can’t tell if you’re serious or not”, as if I was Larry David from Curb Your Enthusiam, after they hear the details of what transpired that night.  Because few, if any, of my stories are believable, like the ones about cyber-attacks and hacking ones, until the photos and videos come out, or until I encourage people to reach out to policing and public safety stakeholders.  Although that night in June deserves to be added to the “My Crazy Life” series, it will not because it lacks a cyber component.  So, this will have to be a standalone piece.

Making my way to the backstage and to the “Green Room”.

After Snoop’s concert in Ottawa, I met up with his tour manager and followed him backstage to the “Green Room”.  During that walk came the dreadful question, “Are you ready to smoke a blunt with Snoop?”.  Dreadful?  That may sound like a pot smokers dream and something on their bucket list!  It does, because it is, but not for a thirty-year-old who has never smoked weed in his life.  It may be hard to imagine that someone with so much knowledge of weed-movie references, like Pineapple Express’, “This airflow comes from Hawaii and Canada…”, and other weed pop culture facts, could have never smoked before, but it is true.

When I was asked about smoking weed, I reacted by saying, “Of course.  All the time.  But I haven’t smoked a fat one in over a decade.” The weed jury, however, concluded that I was lying about having smoked weed.  So, I confessed, “I didn’t know that smoking was a part of the plan”, while secretly thinking, “What the hell did I just get myself into?” The weed jury reconvened and returned with stoner empathy, where I was told things like “You don’t have to smoke if you don’t want to.” I was going to turn down the offer to light a fat blunt with Snoop, until I heard someone say, “Even Bill Clinton smoked weed once, in his younger days, but he didn’t inhale.” The name was enough to trigger a flashback to the famous quote, “You got to get caught trying.”

One of the less desirable things about Hollywood is that none of those people can keep a secret and that gossip spreads like wildfire – even without TMZ.  So, I was not surprised when the “LA crowd” started hollering and laughing, “There’s someone who has never smoked weed that’s going to smoke weed with Snoop for the first time!” A bunch of them came out to looking to figure who that person was.

What seemed to catch everyone off-guard was how I was dressed, sticking out more than the fat blunt that Snoop would eventually end up lighting for me.  I was wearing a woven collared t-shirt, slim fit slacks, and blue New Balance shoes.  But what made my outfit were my “Herbert-Walker’s” (aviator eyeglasses), identical to the aviator eyeglasses that were worn by the Former U.S.  President George H.W.  Bush during his press conference where he announced the capture of Panamanian politician and military leader turned-narco terrorist, General Manuel Noriega.

The “funky smelling” secret backstage was that the entire hallway was full of public officials, professional athletes, and other movers and shakers from across the Ottawa.  Yes, they all went into the “Green Room” with white eyes and came out laughing uncontrollably, with red eye.  That is the most I will say about that, and it was why I had to wait until midnight for my “session” with Tha Doggfather.  Those two hours gave me time to mingle with the “LA crowd”, making for some memorable interactions, and reinforcing my belief that we need to “Make Ottawa Hollywood 2.0.”

Michael Jackson vs Prince.

Arguably the greatest halftime sports show of all time was the 2022 Superbowl LVI halftime show, the first to be entirely centered around hip hop music.  So, when some of the dancers mentioned having been with Snoop for over five years, I inquired about that halftime show to see what they thought.  Somehow the conversation snowballed into a debate about the best halftime shows before turning into a full-on argument between Michael Jackson (them) vs Prince (me).  The “LA crowd” offered up a lawyer-like argument as to why MJ was the “King of Pop”, which I did not disagree with, but Prince was more of an “OG” than MJ.

Prince would often bring other celebrities to his house after his concert to play basketball – while dressed in his over-the-top Zorro-styled outfits and while wearing high-heeled shoes.  Prince beat everyone he played against outside of NBA players.  On one of those occasions, Charlie Murphy made the mistake of referring to Prince as “wearing a blouse” that he did not buy from the men’s department – big mistake.  It was a mistake that no one ever made again as the 5’3 Prince ended up getting all the rebounds and scoring all the points, described as a landslide victory.  Those baller abilities might explain why the silver-tongued Prince also happened to be a favourite of all the Hollywood gals.

The greatest comedian of all-time, Charlie Murphy.

Learning about who someone thinks is funny can tell you a lot about that person.  So, I had to know who the “LA crowd” thought were the greatest comedians of all-time.  The names that came up were Dave Chapelle, Richard Pryor, and Kevin Hart.  Once again, they offered up lawyer-like explanations.  Despite that this was a question with no wrong answers, there was a “right answer”, Charlie Murphy.

What better reasoning can there be for someone being the greatest comedian of all-time than Charlie retelling the story of what transpired after bona fide star, Rick James, sucker punched him one night at Studio 54 back in the 1980s, while wearing the “unity” ring.  That strike left an imprint across Charlie’s forehead that lasted over a week.  At the time of the incident, Charlie did not react and was in shock, while everyone laughed off the interaction – everyone except Charlie.  Charlie would eventually end up visiting Rick at his hotel room, then karate-kicking him across the hotel room.  By the time security arrived, Charlie and Rick had come to a truce and were smoking a peace pipe.

On another occasion, Rick, the habitual line-stepper, visited Charlie’s house only so he could jump all over his new white couch, leaving mud stains all over it and the carpet.  As a result, Charlie reciprocated those actions by making linguine out of Rick’s legs, to the point that Rick had to slither back to his limo.  Then as Rick’s limo was leaving, Eddie Murphy commented that Rick really needed help, to which Charlie replied that he had just given him some help (physical).  Because Rick’s excuse for ruining the couch and carpet was because the Murphy brothers could afford to buy a new one.

What may have been most disappointing about the “LA crowd” was their taste in comedy specials.  None of them mentioned Jeff Ross’ comedy special, where he toured correctional facilities and made all the inmates laughs, telling some of the best prison jokes ever.  It was the closest thing to Johnny Cash going to San Quentin Prison and playing for the inmates.

After our debate about comedy specials, the “LA crowd” started to look at me funny, maybe because they thought I was trolling.  Afterall, my swag was a mix of Mister Rogers and John Wayne, with President Bush Sr.-styled eyeglasses, and a combover for good measure.  Or maybe because after they had agreed to put in a good word for me with the gals of Hollywood and asked me for my type, I responded with, “I’m in the market for a “future ex-wife” type, and I have heard that Hollywood is full of them.  Respectfully, of course.”

2.8 million views and +800 comments—The results of a blunt with Snoop

After all the public officials, professional athletes, and co.  had departed from the “Green Room”, I was invited to make my way through all the smoke.  After seeing Tha Doggfather, I spelled out his name for him, “S-N-Double O-P”, to which he responded, “That’s me.” Not long after, Snoop handed me my first blunt and lit it for me, while giving me advice on smoking for the first time.

One of the first things I asked Snoop about was the time he sold cannabis to Cameron Diaz, while they went to high school together.  “Did you sell her some good stuff or was it grass?” Snoop broke it down for me, “I was able to get my hands on some “do it fluid” (lifting a jar full of blunts).  Distribution was at an all-time low, but I was at an all-time high.  I was able to manufacture, distribute, and present it.”

At some point, there was a discussion about food, where Snoop referred to his tour manager as a “ham-burglar”.  Hearing the latter was enough to trigger me, so I asked everyone if they wanted to play a few rounds of dice (Daz and Kurupt were playing dice on the concert stage).  Everyone burst out laughing, and the “LA crowd” started to vibe with me, even using some terms of endearment that would be inappropriate for me to repeat.

Seeing how everyone in the “Green Room” was under the influence, it would have been the easiest six- or seven-figure payday – easier than getting convinced to get into Bitcoin back in 2009.  Lucky for the “LA crowd”, Daz and Kurupt had passed out and they had taken the dice with them.  Had we played, the “LA crowd” would have found out why my hands were insured back when I was in high school – because I always rolled 7s or 11s.  Yes, I was lucky, but I also utilized rigged dice and it helped me win over $1,000 in Grade 12.  Those dice-rolling ways almost got me suspended at the end of the school year in 2009.  One of gym teachers heard a commotion in the boys changeroom and burst in to and saw a crowd of 30-plus students watching a 10-way game of dice, with a $20 buy-in.  That gym teacher did not necessarily like me much, so I ended up in the principal’s office, and they called my mom to come to the school.  Even though I did not have my rigged dice during my “midnight session”, one of the last things all great dice players lose is their magic touch – and I believe I still have it.

Had I lost at dice, however, I fully intended to grab the thousands of dollars and run out of the “Green Room” and for my life.  There was no way any of the LA security would be able to catch me, I would outrun them and get to my car and drive away.  Sure, that robbery would have required me to “lay low” for a while, but I could have reached out to some of my childhood friends, breaking them off a piece of the pie for letting me “lay low” at their place.  Perhaps asking them to take my car to a Pay-N-Spray, before I walked back onto the street like nothing happened.

Robbing Tha Doggfather and the “LA crowd” would have likely prevented me from ever stepping foot on mainland USA.  But I can live without ever going back to New York, Hollywood, and Las Vegas because I love Hawaii more.  Fortunately, since the “robbery” sequence of events never transpired, I spent most of my time trying to get Snoop to move to Ottawa, and for all of us to “Make Ottawa Hollywood Again”.  To Tha Doggfather’s credit, he looked at the camera and left a message for Immigration, Refugees, Citizenship Canada (IRCC), “Citizenship let’s figure it out happen!” To which I responded, “That’s why we need you, S-N-Double O-P D-O-Double G.” And without missing a beat, Snoop responded back, “And Ottawa got an “O” in it right? S-N-Double O-T-T-WA-P!”

When Snoop asked what we could do to shake off Ottawa’s label as “the most boring city”, there may have been a suggestion for more “gentlemen clubs”, for etiquette purposes, to remedy toxic masculinity, and to support the matriarchy.  Because back in my late teens and early teens, my gentleman nickname was “Mr.  Martini” and look how I turned out.  So, I felt like I knew what I was talking about.

Near the end of the “midnight session”, I also asked Snoop about the possibility of reviving BET’s “Rap City” and “Freestyle Friday”.  While discussing the latter, Snoop rushed me and started throwing fake punches, mere centimeters away from me, while describing the intensity of old school rap battles.  All of it reminded me of the infamous “Oh you mad ‘cause I’m stylin’ on you” rap battle from New York in the mid 2000s.  But Snoop and I were homies, so neither was trying to “style” on the other.

By the time the night concluded, Tha Doggfather had blessed me by putting a Death Row chain around my name and by saying I was Death Row Canada, even signing a blue bandana for me.  Then he mentioned how we would have been best homies if we went to high school together, because “real recognize real”.  And I responded that we would have gotten expelled or worse, because Snoop’s green (cannabis and cash) ways combined with my cyber ways would likely have led us to concoct something that might have made Silk Road and Alpha Bay look small time – before the FBI, DEA, and all the other U.S.  alphabet agencies made both of us regret our life decisions.  After all, I may be the only Canadian teenager to have ever successfully hacked Canada’s “most feared” outlaw motorcycle gang as well as Italian and South-Asian organized crime.  But the greatest hacks are seldom told.

I finally understand Afroman, at a deeper level.

The next day after the midnight sesh with Tha Doggfather, when I woke up that morning, I was a different “Alek”.  Listening to “Afroman – Because I Got High” hit different because I could relate with Afroman.  I woke up to a disorganized room, my nails were unfiled, and my room smelled like I had been bunking with a skunk.  Thankfully for me, I was not married, nor did I have any children, biological or otherwise, because child protective services would have taken them away from.

A few days after, a friend ended up messaging me, “Take a look on Instagram.  Your boy is hyping you up.” Upon opening Instagram, there I was tagged in a 5-minute video, where the first 30 seconds were me being vulnerable with Snoop about how this was my “first time”.  That video had +2.8 million views and +800 comments, and those comments reasserted the notion that the internet will forever be undefeated.

Maybe one day, if the world ever returns to the old Comedy Central ways, maybe this Canadian “Charlie Murphy” will retell more of his “Hollywood” stories, in greater detail.  On television and after dark, after all the children and responsible adults have gone to sleep.