As mentioned in the two columns prior to this one, I find I love the idea of social gatherings far more than the actual events themselves.  Not to generalize, but I am convinced absolutely everybody else on Earth feels exactly the same.  So, as my modest way of promoting conviviality, global peace, and universal joy, this week I will round out my practical tips and hints for organizing a successful dream party of your own by offering up some suggestions related to who to invite, how to choose an appropriate musical accompaniment to the event, and even what to talk about.  Here goes.

Who to include in your guest list is, obviously, of paramount importance.  Too often, the large keggers and house parties of my youth, with doors trustingly thrown open to whoever had the inclination to attend, attracted mostly soccer hooligans and those who are prone to projectile vomiting.

There is simply no point in putting on a carefully organized party for a pack of simple-minded douchebags.  Inevitably, it begins to resemble the most recent RNC.  Homophobes, misogynists, racists, greedheads, and humble braggers needn’t bother booking an Uber.

Step through the door of one of my fantasy bashes, and have no fear of being trapped in conversation with Elon Musk, or finding yourself seated on a couch beside J.D. Vance.  Patti Smith and Lou Reed are both likely to be there, though.  Banksy and Caravaggio are typically each given a wall to decorate.  Over in one corner, you might see Oscar Wilde and Audrey Hepburn competing against each other in beer pong or seeing who can maintain a wall-supported handstand the longest.  It would also not be unusual to find Bowie eating canapes and discussing the afterlife with Amelia Earhart and Isadora Duncan.

And, speaking of palaver, I believe one of the responsibilities of being a good host, whether in actuality or in the imagination, is doing whatever you can to encourage thoughtful, stimulating, but always respectful discussion.  Like most people, at least the ones I can stand to be around for any length of time, I have a distaste for open displays of intolerance and naked aggression.  These may be unavoidable at most family gatherings, but at events where we’re meant to actually be enjoying each other’s company, they have no place.  Best to avoid, then, divisive topics such as gender, religion, politics, bodily autonomy, diet, ethnicity, universal basic income, assisted suicide, climate change, vaccines, genetic engineering, and carburetor maintenance, to name a few.

In the real world, navigating around conversational unpleasantness and vulgarity can be some tricky shit.  Fortunately, at my dream parties I get to have considerable sway over what people are talking about, and I like to keep it light.  The relative merits of sativa versus indica cannabis, and whether Miles Davis’ “Kind of Blue” is a more influential jazz recording than his later “On the Corner” would be about as intense as it ever gets.  At all times, I choose to ensure the chatter is as chill as the champagne.

Finally, let’s talk a bit about what sort of music to choose.  Providing an inspiring soundtrack for the gathering is, I believe, every bit as essential as selecting the setting, the food, and the invitees.  The key here is to remember that the music should always be suited to the spirit of the occasion.  As I recently discovered at a non-existent rave I hosted aboard the Queen Mary, even in the world of the imagination free jazz and experimental chamber music may not provide the perfect bangers that are needed to generate some murder on the dance floor.  Likewise, dropping the needle on funk bombs by James Brown, Daft Punk and The Black Keys did little to facilitate the sparkling postprandial conversation that had begun to develop at last week’s dinner party attended by Emmanuel Kant, Virginia Woolf, Zadie Smith, and Bertrand Russell (although it was worth it to see some of the breaks that Woolf and Russell busted loose).

So, there you have it – all the ingredients you need for a top notch mixer.  I suggest that, starting this Wednesday (or, as I like to think of it, “the day before Friday’s Eve”) you take a well-deserved break from the tedium of the real world, and begin drawing up plans for an imaginary blow-out of epic proportions.  And, while you’re at it, keep in mind that I’m usually free.  Or, at least, surprisingly affordable.