Chrétien Action Figure

January 8, 2003

We need to make a protest. We need to do something about this! We can’t sit by and let this happen! “What”, you ask? Why, so many world leaders have an action figure and Canada is, laughably, without one. We must get on the bandwagon and be counted in! What will our American neighbours think if we don’t?

Recently on KTLA (Los Angeles TV) a story aired about the new George W. Bush action figure. The reporter stopped a few people on the streets and asked what they thought about this doll. He held up a doll that wore a suit. Then he pulled the string and out came excerpts of some of George W. Bush’s speeches. People listened to him bumble over a word or two and laughed at his mistaken pronunciation. What fun! Some of the passers-by said they thought the doll was cute, while a few others said it was in bad taste (Heavens! Can you imagine the doll that would have been created if Al Gore had been President?!). Well anyhow: the hubby then turned to me, eyes wide and asked, “gee shucks, why don’t the Canadian people have such a neato doll?!” (Okay, you got me! He didn’t really say this!)

The real Canadian Leader doll would have to have certain attributes to be believable. First, when it speaks French it would have to speak with a natural looking mouth. Then it would have to speak in English and one side of its mouth would have to shrink up to the side. Hmmm, that may need hydraulics. We may have to increase the price to cover that! Then he’d have to have some exciting speeches for the children to listen to. I’m still working on that part but here are a few contenders:

“Yes. You may land the planes in Canada. You’re welcome President Bush.”

“I welcome Her Majesty The Queen to Canada.”

“I disagree with the !#&@ honorable member!”

Okay, maybe these aren’t as exciting as telling the world that we are at war with terrorists, but that’s about what we have to go with, folks.

We have to be careful as we assess this doll’s market potential. After all we are talking about a money venture.

Osama Bin Laden. This doll is a major cash cow! Of course we’re not talking downtown Calgary for sales. It comes with a neato beard and a long white burnoose to wear. Also the guards with it and the jeep it travels in are lots of fun for the kids. That doll is selling off the shelves in the Middle East.

So too is the President Saddam Hussein doll. After all why wouldn’t it? It has a peachy keen moustache and a couple of outfits to wear – one of them has a thingamee to sling across his chest for bullets – just like Rambo used! Iranian children will just adore cuddling with it as they nod off to sleep and dream of war with the world and being leader of a country who can fool people with a favourite game of Hide The Nukes.

So, I think we need to start working on our action figure. When children in Canada cuddle up with their official action figure they will have to dream of being in office more than once, wearing a nice suit daily, ummmm: help me out here!

Maybe the extras with the doll include an optional change of suit? Hey! Maybe this action figure has a limousine! YEAH! Kids like props. Maybe if we get a reworked Malibu Barbie car? Of course, we’ll have to hear, “Sold separately!” blaring out from the TV ads.

Now we need to be realistic on price. I don’t have access to the prices for the Saddam Hussein or the Bin Laden dolls so I think we need to do a bit more research. Anyone have any price suggestions? Now, now, let’s be nice. After all he’s bilingual and ummm:wears a suit.

Maybe CBC will do a TV series about this special Canadian moment: “A Gift to Laugh At”? Or would this be another Canada Post moment?

Laura Seymour first published herself, at age 8. She has since gone on to publish a cookbook for the medical condition of Candida. She is working toward her B.A. (Psyc).