Dear potential employer,
Thank you for taking the time to review my résumé and employment application.
As you can see from my past work experience, I have devoted many years of my life to unfulfilling, uninspiring and low-paying jobs, so I should have no difficulty adjusting to the conditions of your workplace. Over the years, I have become adept at hiding my feelings of contempt for a variety of incompetent, ineffectual, and bullying superiors. I am confident that you will be satisfied with the way that I am able to swallow my pride and feelings of humiliation in order to remain your employee.
Please rest assured that, although I have heart, soul, imagination, humour, love, joy, compassion and boundless human potential within me, I will never allow these distractions and imperfections to enter into the reliable performance of my duties. I am well aware that they would only undermine the process of dehumanization that is so important to maintaining order within a hierarchical corporate structure such as your organization.
Should I be fortunate enough to be the successful candidate for this position, I will immediately begin the process of racking-up large amounts of consumer debt for so-called luxury items that I neither need nor can afford and that will relentlessly divert me away from the realization of my true potential. In this way, you can be certain that I will live in constant fear of being fired by you. Any notions I have of quitting my dead-end job will remain completely unrealistic.
On my off-duty hours, I will numb my mind and soul through a combination of television, consumer magazines, Hollywood films, alcohol, prescription drugs, and home electronics. I will believe every word that the various mass-market media tell me about how worthless I am, how lucky I am to be employed by you, and how useless it is to dream of changing myself or the world around me. Wrapped up in a state of fear and self-loathing, I will attempt to mask these feelings and add some sense of drama and relevance to my life by joining with my coworkers in a variety of predictable workplace activities, such as spying, gossiping, backstabbing, fawning, and flirting.
I will do all of this because it is what I have been programmed to do from kindergarten onward. More importantly, I will do it because my children need to be fed and because I need to have a roof over my head. I will do it because when you are born poor, marginalized and powerless, there are simply no other options open to you. I will do it because society, as you have engineered it, leaves me no choice but to live pay cheque to pay cheque. There is no other hope for me today and the future, apparently, is yours.
