Dear Barb – Wife Should Follow Moral Compass

Dear Barb:

I am in my early thirties and have been happily married for five years. At least I thought our marriage was happy until my husband approached me about joining a swingers club. I was totally shocked! I had no indication he was thinking this way.

My immediate reaction was no, but he is not accepting that. He continues to try to persuade me that there is nothing wrong with swinging and that lots of people do it, even some of our friends. I find this hard to believe. Now whenever I look at my husband I feel disgust and betrayal. I don’t know if I can I get past this and have a happy marriage again.


Hi, Nicole, thanks for writing. I can certainly understand how you are feeling. Given your point of view, to hear this from your husband would be such a shock, let alone a betrayal.

Before you can attempt to resolve this, you have to ask yourself some serious questions. Do you believe your husband will be able to let this go? I’m sure he had thought about this for a long time before he broached the subject with you. Did you sense that he was unfulfilled in your intimate relationship? It doesn’t sound like you did, since you mention that you thought your marriage was happy.

I would suggest you both go for some marriage counselling. This is a major issue to work through and I don’t believe you can do this effectively without professional help.

Since your husband told you that some of your friends are participating in this behaviour, they may have told him that their spouses had been willing participants, so perhaps he thought you would be as well.

If this is something you don’t want to participate in, stick to your guns! When people are pressured into doing things that go against their morals, they are left with long-term regrets. It would likely be very difficult for you to get over the negative feelings that would come with an act such as this.

You didn’t mention whether you have children. If you do have children, you and your husband have a responsibility to maintain the morals and values that you teach them at home.

Nicole, I hope you and your husband can work this out and bring some happiness back into your lives.

Email your questions to Some submissions may be edited for length or to protect confidentiality; your real name and location will never be printed. This column is for entertainment only. The author is not a professional counsellor and this column is not intended to take the place of professional advice.

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