As anyone who has ever lived and worked in a big city knows, life in the metropolis can be filled with rampant materialism, designer drugs, shallow relationships, and anonymous sexual encounters. But I’m not kidding myself, there are downsides to it, too.
These drawbacks are apparent to anyone who has made the move from a smaller town or village to a large urban centre. Separated from the strong support network of friends and family, and removed from the more wholesome values of small town life, these new arrivals to the “mean streets” can all too frequently be set upon by despicable, unscrupulous sharpsters seeking to take advantage of the hayseeds’ open and trusting natures, or to prey on their insecurities. I can’t tell you how often I’ve seen good men and women brought to ruin by the many pitfalls and dangers that lurk around each and every corner in the urban jungle.
Fortunately, hope is on the horizon for these poor newbies. Having spent all my life in the “big smoke,” I obviously have a vast storehouse of wisdom and anecdotal knowledge to pass on to those less experienced than myself. Also, having come from a long genetic line of horse thieves, pickpockets, no account drifters, bunko artists, snake oil salesmen and orthodontists, I have some familiarity with the types of scumbags lying in wait for the poor, unsuspecting uninitiated. Furthermore, I have been fortunate enough to have made a very tidy living over the years in a variety of entrepreneurial fields, such as experimental health care treatments, currency speculation, fortune telling, introduction services, and adult entertainment-all of which have provided me with the wherewithal and desire to give something back to those less fortunate.
For these reasons, I am pleased to announce that I will soon be opening the doors on my latest venture: The Busby Leclair Academy of Urban Living, Spiritual Wellness Centre and Hair Replacement Clinic Ltd. For a nominal but hefty fee, based upon a complicated series of financial calculations involving the prospective student’s immediate cash flow, I will be offering an itinerary of invaluable seminars and courses, leading to some sort of a diploma. Amongst many other things, my lucky proteges will be exploring basic safety issues, such as why it is not such a good idea to organize your wallet while walking down dimly-lit alleyways. They will also be instructed on what to look for when purchasing black market painkillers and other illicit items, and will gain an understanding of the proper use of heating/air-conditioning ducts as effective means of avoiding awkward encounters with police and security personnel. Students will be encouraged to experiment with financial options for investing their life savings in a manner that will double or even triple their existing funds in only a few weeks – a unique and limited-time opportunity that will enable them to live the kind of affluent urban lifestyle most city-dwellers can only dream of.
Of course, when choosing any educational institute, it is of the utmost importance that prospective students should have full confidence in the quality of instruction they will be receiving. The sad fact is, there are too many fly-by-night operations out there. This is why I will be offering a “full” money-back guarantee to any student who is not absolutely satisfied with the tuition that they have received, and who is able to contact me within six months after completion of all courses. I furthermore guarantee that all lectures will be personally presented by myself, or by somebody looking remarkably similar to me, but with perhaps a moustache and different-coloured hair.
Finally, I am pleased to present the following accolades and testimonials that I have received over the years from some of the most esteemed minds of the twentieth century:
“Busby Leclair is perhaps the greatest humanist-educator I have ever met.” Marshall McLuhan
“I stand in open-mouthed awe at Leclair’s genius and moral rectitude.” Buckminster Fuller
“I would trust this man with my life!” George Orwell
“If anyone can make you rich, it’s him!” Mahatma Gandhi
All interested students should leave their names with the editor of this magazine, and somebody will be in touch with you very shortly to discuss non-refundable processing fees and surprisingly affordable payment options.